Things that make me Itch; AKA, When I am made Emperor, Day 1*

  me, judging you.

me, judging you.

Welcome, Voyagers!
So, picture it: what if you were able to dictate any and all punishments for any and all things you dislike? Well, hon, here is the beginning of my list. (Oh, yes, this just the beginning.)
When I am made emperor, Day 1 Edict 1: If you use your speakerphone in public (and this includes the bathroom-what the hell is wrong with you people?), you shall be arrested & placed in public jail in the center of town. Other citizens, for a sentence time of my choosing, will stand extremely close to you and watch Youtube, yell with their toddler nieces on FaceTime, Skype about something extremely personal or gross, or play video games at top volume. 

When I am made emperor, Day 1 Edict 2: If you leave your shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot anywhere other than in the corral, you shall be made to park your car at the bottom of a hill and watch while citizens take turns leaving their carts at the top of that hill.

When I am made emperor, Day 1 Edict 3: If you drive slow in the left lane, you shall be made to ride in an Uber everywhere you go. At surge pricing time. With a very talkative Uber driver.

When I am made emperor, Day 1 Edict 4: If you glue yourself to the baggage claim carousel at the airport, including and especially with a giant rolling CART, you shall be made to fight your way through a group of humans the size of Gregor & Sandor Clegane (that’s The Mountain and The Hound, for you non-GOT people) who shall block your every attempt to get YOUR bags. 

When I am made emperor, Day 1 Edict 5: If you repeatedly use phrases like, “I’m just being honest” or “I’m keepin' it real” as an excuse to be mean, you shall be sentenced to 2 weeks, per offense, of conversations exclusively with people who repeatedly say they were “disrespected.” 

When I am made emperor, Day 2 Edict 6If you use the phrases "man cave" or "shiplap" you shall be sentenced to living in Waco for a period of 1 (one) year. In a tiny house.

So, there you go. That about covers Day One. Stay tuned for When I am Made Emperor Day Two, when we will address things such as people who say they "just don't have time to read" and those who claim to like the movie Love, Actually...

Until then, stay veracious, my fellow Voyagers. Stay veracious.



Now, here is Christina, judging you. She's better at the judgy-eyes than I am.