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An Open Letter to Those Who Love Psycho-stalker Joe on Netflix Just Cause He’s Hot AF

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Here’s me, in a professor outfit.

(More like playing dress-up. Pretty sure I didn’t wear suits like this when I taught.)

Dear Those Professing Love for Psycho-stalker Joe on Netflix Just ‘Cause He’s Hot AF,

I taught a college course for about 15 years that was all about how to avoid creepers/stalkers/murderers/assholes, so I have a lot to say on this topic.

I understand you lusting after a hot guy, truly I do. And I also understand that someone expressing “care” by taking over someone’s life can possibly seem like positive attention. But, please, this is too important (and I mean all of this with nothing but love for y’all).

Okay, here goes. Do you know how many women mistake possessiveness for caring, long before the abuse truly begins? How many women have said, “But he loves me!” after the abuse begins but just before they are murdered?

Do you know how many women end up hurt or even dead because they mistake what’s on the outside for what’s on the inside?

Look and listen:

A guy who says he wants to take care of you because you can’t take care of yourself isn’t just expressing concern.

A guy who disparages your friends (even if your friends are super-dramatic and seem to drain your energy) and tries to separate you from them isn’t doing that because he just wants to help.

A guy who makes choices for you isn’t doing it because he wants what is best for you.

A guy who ignores your rejection and persists in pursuing you isn’t doing it because he is so romantic.

He is taking away parts of your identity, little by little, piece by piece, action by action, word by word. He is isolating you so that you will belong only to him and have no one to turn to.

He is expressing ownership of another human being: YOU.

Look and listen more:

Joe Goldberg isn’t romantic.

He isn’t loving.

He isn’t caring and kind and thoughtful.

Joe Goldberg isn’t in love with Beck.

Here is the biggest truth of all. He doesn’t really care about Beck.

Joe Goldberg believes that Beck belongs to him. He KNOWS it. And because he KNOWS it, he knows what’s best for her. Call him a psychopath or a sociopath or just call him a creeper. But know this: just like you or I know that the lamp in the living room belongs to us, Joe knows Beck is his possession. (It’s right there in the words: possession/possessiveness.)

Yes, Joe is charming and nice and thoughtful! Yes, he smiles like he knows something you just have to know, too! Yes, he seems to know Beck better than she knows herself! And when he doesn’t want her to see her friends or her therapist (who, admittedly is also a creeper) or breaks into her phone and iCloud because he wants to know where she is & what she’s doing & what she’s thinking all the time, it means he just cares about her!

  And, yes, @Pennbadgley is Hot AF. That’s the f***ing point of the f****ing show. There is a reason they didn’t cast some guy who looks like the troll that lives under the bridge.

Being good-looking does not reflect who you are. Niceness isn’t the same thing as kindness. Jealousy isn’t the same thing as love. Drama isn’t passion. Obsessive behaviors don’t prove commitment.

And charm is not a personality trait.

Charm is a choice.

Charm is an action.

Charm is something you DO, not something you are.

The brilliant book and the fantastic TV show “YOU” are about the giant chasm between a NICE guy and a GOOD guy. Look and listen to the book or the show and let “YOU” teach you that.

Read what @Pennbadgley has to say on Twitter to the many women who send him messages about loving Joe. Sure, you’ll love Mr. Badgley even more, but don’t confuse him with Joe.

And please read The Gift of Fear.

Oh! And SSDGM.

Love,

A Concerned Friend